I was feeling quite indifferent this specific Monday morning, and the first thing that I felt I must do to get rid of this gloom is to hear my mother’s voice. I instantaneously called her and within the first ring she picked up. She has a voice that is soothing and warm in my heart, it reminds me of a bird humming early in the morning.
“How are you feeling?” are always her first words to me.
I told her I was feeling “alright”, she asked for me to come over right after, as if she felt my emotions through the phone– she insisted. That same night, I slept over.
My relationship with my mother hasn’t always been the best one. It took us a while, a mountain hill worth of climb, lost battles and won wars when it came to us. Despite of all of that however, she still remains the sun that shines on the rainiest of days. As she should, she is in fact, my mother. But like I said, on this very particular day that I was not feeling my very chipper self, every sense in my body is pulling me to reach out to her. I knew that the purpose of me sleeping at my mom’s house was to realign my thoughts, to get back into my roots and to center myself.
It was expected for me to have a conversation with my mother, to rid myself of this uncertainty I have going on within myself. I got there and we made small talk. How I’m feeling at the present moment, and the general gist of what I’m going through and how I’m going through them. Right after the small talk, I boldly told her that I felt lost. I felt that nothing and everything is going on. I don’t know if I’m overwhelmed or underwhelmed. Honestly speaking, I don’t know what and how to feel. I just felt lost. With her endearing eyes, and pleasing smile, she lightly said “Khylle, we are all lost souls, all homeless in this world, just trying to find our way back home.”
The message and her voice resonated to me as something I must keep in the back of my head for safe keeping. In the same conversation, she questioned the uncertainty that’s illuminating within me, making my energy off balanced. I truthfully told her that after my previous romantic relationship, I came to an understanding within myself that in life, nothing is truly ever guaranteed, and the day one realizes that and the day one fully accepts the truth that we as humans in life truly don’t know anything at all, will be the day that we will truly transcend ourselves and liberate our soul and mind to genuine freedom.
Most of the time, we lose ourselves in the day to day responsibilities we have to fulfill within the given amount of time we have. We forget to take our time and refocus our mind and heart to what we are here to do– what we are here to fulfill. There are multiple times I felt and still feel disconnected from myself and misplaced from my inner being. At those times, I remember to trace my steps and go back to my source, to the root of my being. I talk to her, my mother, and reach towards my core and breathe who I am and what I am designed to be.
I find that nowadays people are afraid to question their own beliefs and to be faced with their ambiguity that they forget to do it at all. We forget to take our time and look at the mirror and reassess how we feel, why we’re feeling it and if we’re feeling it healthily. And in those times, I suggest for us, as humans to take the most time to fully understand and appropriately feel what we need to feel to accurately take the necessary approach in life.
We as individuals have to fully understand ourselves to properly enjoy and accept the passion from other aspects in life that comes our way thoroughly. I know, that if we truly feel every emotion we are able to be gifted in this lifetime, we will be able to unlock certain facets in life that we are able to use to serve a higher purpose to achieve deeper growth. A growth that reaches beings beyond ourselves. A beneficial growth that affects something more than selfish reasons.
Most of us nowadays are always caught up with our social lives, our work lives, that we forget to take time for ourselves. We forget that in losing that, we get dis-attached from who we are, we forget to be ourselves. I always remind myself that whenever I feel unlike myself, I should think of the time I felt most myself. I recall my mother and her words, and I felt the strongest longing to be with her that when I have these conversations with her, for some reason I always feel reinvented. I feel like all of my thoughts will be able to be put into words. I love that during the times I have these talks with my mother, I slowly start to feel whole again. It only reminds me that our mind and body craves to be back to where we start, to only remind us from where we came from and only to gain strength from it and to flourish even more.
I’d like to dedicate this to The Reason I am The Woman I Am Today.
Mom, I Love You.